Lanzarote 2015 – Day 1 – Spoilt brats and surly Scandanavians

So here we are again, our annual pilgrimage to the sun. Although from the title, my regular readers may think that we have made a mistake and booked a hotel full of children and marauding Scandinavians again, these two items combined together to make an “interesting flight” to our destination of Lanzarote.

First step was to get to Gatwick by 11am for our 1 o’clock flight. This meant leaving around 08:30 from Stanwick. However, due to one of the last remaining bastions of the Trade Union movement – train and Tube drivers, any navigation around London was going to be testing. With more luck than judgement a route down the M11 and around the M25 proved to be an excellent choice. Word of advice to Boris (Mayor of London), just sack the moaning ba$ta&ds. They get paid £50k a year as it is. Don’t let them ruin the most important and productive city we have. Anyway rant over. At least it gave me a chance to have the first long drive in Katy (KT15), my new mode of transportation.

Gatwick was at its heaving, touristy best. More like a shopping centre than an airport. One of the benefits of this holiday I was looking forward to was the sanctuary of the BA Club Lounge. An oasis of calmness full of breakfast munchies, champagne and beer. Great start. There was, even at this stage, a hint of what was about to follow – more than a few Jocastas and Ruperts running wild whilst their “more money than sense” parents failed to control them. They should have locked them in the child zone. Alas this was being used as a quiet zone by travellers tying to find peace whilst taking calls. An interesting case of role reversal!

and here we go – first jobsworth of the holiday. Just because you work for an airline with “British” in the title, it does not give you the right to treat customers like cattle. Your information screens clearly state Now Boarding. You claiming that nothing happens unless you say so is clearly way above your remit – if you were Chairman perhaps – at the moment you are just a gate attendant, please remember that.

So onwards onto our Airbus 320. First 8 rows designated as Club Europe. Blocks of 3 seats with the middle seat converted to a table. Not huge amounts of extra room but enough difference from the 25 rows behind us to be worth the extra cost. Proper dinner with real cutlery, glasses and wine and everything, was also welcoming. Two cabin crew for our section of 16 passengers and two cabin crew for the other 150 passengers seemed fair to me!

This would have been more than satisfactory if it hadn’t been for two factors out of our control.

1) Now I am not usually one to get personal about other peoples faults but the cabin manager, Truri, was one of the most sour faced, miserable old bags I have ever come across in a customer service role. Everything was a chore, she did not smile once and was downright rude on more than one occasion not just to me and Mrs CT but to others as well. Her comment “if you don’t like they way we do things on this flight, complain to my bosses”. Oh dear Truri you have just said that to the wrong people! Email to BA Chairmanship Office already sent. I have some very nice friends from Scandinavia but she showed all the bad qualities that can come from that area. What the hell was she doing in charge of Club Class?

2) Jocasta and her brother Rupert turned up doubled teamed in the two rows in front of us. Rupert(1) opening comment – “Daddy I much prefer Virgin Atlantic to this, I feel positively cramped”. You are 5 FFS! His sister Jocasta(1) then piped up “Daddy I cannot find my personal entertainment screen. Where do they hide them on BA”? Spoilt, pretentious and any other word I could use for kids unused to the real world. Rupert (2) and Jocasta (2) sitting in row 1 were the most badly behaved ,uncontrolled little brats I have come across in a while. Moaning, shouting and fighting for most of the flight. Fairly obvious that Mummy & Daddy did not spend much time with them when at home – leaving them to some poor suffering Nanny or Au Pair no doubt.

Enough complaining. Bags collected and onwards to Barcelo Teguise Beach (Adults Only). You can probably guess one of the reasons we chose this hotel. A brand concept for the property which used to be a family aparthotel but now gutted and turned into a contemporary place of relaxation – but only just – more of this tomorrow when I explain that the term “your room is not ready yet” had nothing to do with it being cleaned after the previous residents but was more literal. This did not apply to us thank goodness. Our top floor suite with outdoor jacuzzi bath was awaiting. Very nice! Pictures tomorrow.

The general decoration was eclectic, from the sofas to the works of art.

A special beer was needed – over 10 different premium Spanish ales to choose from. This one at 6.2% was very tasty.

Lastly, the 2 prancing wooden horses In reception have been carved with little missing. I am therefore now going to use this picture on every occasion I have to say “bollo*ks. Zoom in if you dare!









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