Crete 2014 – Special Vomitgate edition

Place – Main restaurant, Sensatori, Crete.
When – 21.20 on our first evening in the resort
  • Emily – 10 year old girl from UK
  • Emily’s dad – Emily’s dad
  • Geek boy – 17 year old geek from UK dressed accordingly
  • Eric – Greek waiter
  • Twatos – Restaurant Manager
  • Christos – F&B Manager

Names have been changed to protect the stupid and/or ignorant.

I will set the scene. Mrs CT and I had no choice but to eat at the main restaurant on our first night due to a complicated booking system that the hotel runs. We had a table in the adults only section which is on the opposite side to the chaos of the family area. Separating the two are the shared toilets. Starters had been obtained and consumed. We both decided on a plate of Calamari and fries with salad for main course. I was sitting facing the aforementioned conveniences, Mrs CT had her back to them and was therefore spared the actual act that began Vomitgate.
  • 09:20 – for whatever reason, a noise or something I saw out of the corner of my eye, I looked up to see Emily being led by her dad towards the toilets. Stopping some 5 meters from the entrance, as in the above picture, Emily proceeded to reenact a scene from the Exorcist – projectile vomiting of great volume and force onto the tiled floor. The ejection in this instance was not green but a kind of fluorescent yellow consisting mainly, from what I could see, of a vast quantity of vanilla ice cream and half digested French fries.
  • 09:20.15 sec – after a consoling “never mind” from Dad, Emily hurriedly produced batch two of the day’s ice cream. Larger and more forceful than the first and this time accompanied by matching retching noises. At least this alerted one member of staff’s attention, the photographer, who in turn shouted to Fred the waiter. “Don’t look” I quickly said to Mrs CT who of course, being a woman, had to turn around and look. Bad decision.
  • 09:21 – Emily and Dad exit stage left to the toilet to hopefully catch acts 3 and 4. Fred was now on the ball, or so we thought, disappearing stage right to fetch some cleaning equipment. No, all Fred brought back was a yellow triangle sign thingy with “Caution Slippery Floor”. Oh how true these words.
  • 09:22 – nothing happened
  • 09:25 – still nothing
  • 09:28 – Mrs CT now starting to lose patience jestured towards Fred that he should take further remedial action only to be met with a shrug of the shoulders. As these were the only toilets on this level, the footfall to and fro was persistent. Thank goodness people saw Fred’s large yellow sign and therefore the puke pool beyond, which was now spreading evenly across the polished tile floor, and took an avoiding route.
  • 09:30 – nothing
  • 09:35 – Enter from stage right, the restaurant, came Geek boy. Trousers that didn’t quite meet with the shoes, grinning to himself, probably as he was thinking of the next computermbob thingy he could buy, and really not paying attention to where he was going. You just know what’s coming next!
  • 09:36 – You where wrong! Geek boy made it to the loo intact.
  • 09:38 – Geek boy, having completed his business, skipped merrily out of the toilets. My previous assumption that he had seen the Sea of Vomit on the way into the loo proved to be very very wrong. As his right foot made contact with shore of the said Sea he executed a slide of at least 1m before flipping into the air perfectly horizontally and landing with a firm splat in the middle of Emily’s masterpiece.
  • 09:39 – OMG! That certainly got a few peoples attention. What made it worse was that Geek boy really was an airhead and had not relised what he had fallen in and so made his way back to his table and his Mummy. It took milliseconds before his fellow dinners pointed to him in horror and sent him away to get cleaned up.
  • 09:40 – This was more than enough for Mrs CT who shouted at the restaurant manager to do something about removing this hazard from the area. Twatos just mumbled something about housekeeping and scuttled off back to his desk. Knowing Mrs CT as I do, this was not a wise decision from Twatos. “This is ridiculous” she shouted, “I am going to report this to the Hotel Manager”. Bearing in mind it was now 20 minutes since poor little Emily had poured forth, I had to agree that the lack of action from the hotel staff was unacceptable.
  • 09:41 – Out of breath, after chasing Mrs CT up the stairs to reception, I caught the remnants of “GET ME THE MANAGER NOW”
  • 09:46 – Enter Christos, the Food and Beverage manager, who had been superbly trained in customer relations and listened to Mrs CT’s concerns in the most apologetic and reassuring manner. He would personally get this problem seen to.
  • 09:50 – The curtains are finally drawn on this sorry little play. A bottle of red wine and a huge bowl of fruit made its way to our room the next day courtesy of Christos. Naturally we and our room number are now marked as “trouble” after making a formal complaint within 8 hours of arrival. We have not been back to the main restaurant since in fear of memory association.


Tweet this
Share this item on Twitter.

Tweet this