Bulgaria 2013 – Day 9 – Massage, Farts & Boobs

Dear Ladies

Mrs CT here. Mr T’s creative juices have dried up so I’m guest-writing today, and what a day I’ve had!

Prior to our departure to the Black Sea resort of Aheloy Mrs Beeney highly recommended a bit of pampering at the newly opened @Vineyards Spa. A veritable menu of all types of soothing massages and beauty treatments were available, and as my good friends know I’m not adverse to a bit of pampering.

So off I went to the Spa to book. Mr Beeney had commented to Mr T that the Spa was run by a “stunning, naughty 19 year-old” (sad old git). Well she was nowhere to be seen however I was presented with a buff 20’something male. We’ll call him ‘Adonis’ for the sake of this blog. Adonis & I discussed the treatments on offer and then from ‘under-the-counter’ Adonis produced an advert for an all-over body treatment involving steam rooms, salt scrub and aromatherapy massage that was not on the menu. Well, I was sold.

I arrived promptly and was taken to the steam room but a lady probably older than me – Mr B you need to have an eye test. I sat there waiting patiently in the steam room and after 10 minutes I was about to pass out. Relaxing my ….. foot! So I stepped out and from the parting mists of the steam room Adonis appeared in his trunks – baggy shorts, not speedos and said hello. I politely said hello back and which point he asked me why I was not in the steam room. “Too hot” I replied at which point he walked off. I felt a bit embarrassed for not fully embracing the treatment’s agenda so nipped back into the steam room before he came back to have his swim or whatever he was preparing to do. No sooner had I sat back down Adonis entered the steam room. “Please lay on your front” he said to me. I was about to tell him steady-on, I’ve only just met you when I realised he was going to do my treatment – bingo :o).

I then duly made preparations to lay on my front on one of the tiled benches in the steam room and as I lowered my rubesque figure onto the bench the sealing of my flesh onto the hard, wet surface caused a humongous farty sound which sent me into a fit of giggles. Adonis did his best not to laugh and covered up his fit of giggles with some coughing – how polite, his mother must be so proud. What ensued was to be a very invigorating whilst relaxing aroma-salt scrub punctuated by farty sounds as I had to move from my front to my back. But not before I had flashed my boobs at him, very embarrassing. The thing is he had to undo my bikini top to do my back but I was struggling to do it back up before moving onto my back; you know what its like ladies. Thinking I could hold my top in place whilst covering myself up with one arm and hand I proceeded to make the move – bad idea; I was never going to cover-up those bad boys with one arm, what was I thinking?!!! I managed to lose the top and my dignity in a couple of seconds, at which point Adonis gallantly offered to lend me a hand and helped me put my top back on. This was a new one for me, but as Mr T reminded me I was old enough to be his mother, and probably the same size as her! Why do I stay with him?

The rest of the treatment passed uneventfully with a lovely all-over body massage – heaven. Then Adonis decided to warm up some pebbles and place them from my boobs, down the middle of my stomach in a line, stopping on the fou-fou. Yes, you heard me right. I feared he spent a tad too long pulling back my bikini bottoms to place the offending hot pebble onto said area. Thankfully I had had some nice topiary done before the holiday. However if I thought placing the stone was a ‘long’ task then the collecting of the stone some 15 minutes later was definitely drawn-out. Bad bugger.

A few adjectives to sum up my experience ….. relaxing, cleansing, surreal, fun. The best £45 I’ve spent in a long a time.

Laters xx

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