Lanzarote 2015 – Day 5 – The Hotel Cast & Cold Rooms

Up early and we decidied to “bagsy” one of the 15 Balanise beds. A double bed with canopy over. Looks comfortable but in reality very difficult to get comfy and the wind was playing havoc with the canopy. At least we tried it but never again. We will leave them to the lovey dovey youngsters from now on.

The positioning however did put us dead opposite the daytime pool activities. This gives me an ideal opportunity to introduce you to some of the cast in this years holiday. Study the next picture and I will explain.

First up is the chap on the left, Lanzarote Larry, a failed Ibiza DJ but now plying his trade here. Looks like an arctic explorer who seeks out hotter climes during the summer but forgets to shave his beard off. To be fair he does play some good mixes. I fail to see how he earns money by “pressing play” a couple of times between 11:00 and 16:00 every day. He must be the real thing because he has lots of stickers on his laptop. The over 65s around the pool do not get the beat and definitely have aversion to the volume.

Next up, on the far right, is Lizzie the Lezzie, aerobics instructor and all round animation leader. Named after the C4 morning fitness instructor of the 90s. Every day at 12 she corals a group of 15 or so women of all ages and nationalities into performing water aerobics. This culminates in them massaging each other in the water. Needless to say the British only do this for one day as that amount of intimacy with strangers is just not on. Meanwhile Lezzie Lizzie just looks on from the side of the pool, drooling and wishing she was in there getting down and naughty. (PS Just because she is covered in tattoos and has thighs that could crack walnuts does not mean that she is from the island of Lesbos. It is the writers prerogative to presume that she is).

Lastly, in the middle and I am sure she wishes she was sometimes, we have Suzy Socorrista (lifeguard) who, as you can see, is in lust with Larry but also Lizzie as well. She gets to demonstrate the massages at the poolside with Lizzie acting as masseuse. Naturally she was the one picked for her particular job because of her in-built extra buoyancy.

There are many others, including Coughing Carol and Porno Pam but I need pictorial substance before I can introduce them into the story.

A close up of Lizzie who, on occasions, gives a flash of what is underneath the very short blue skirt. I just hope it is a pair of black sports knickers rather than an eyeful of dark Iberian thicket.

Okay, an update on air-congate. Eventually a very switched on young man with impeccable English arrived to say that they have discovered what the problem is by taking the unit apart in our old room. The contractors had plumbed in an electronic valve the wrong way round (where have we heard that before, bathroom chums!). He believes this to be the same in all the rooms on floor 3. Oh dear someone is going to pay. The short term solution is to fix the valve into an open position, as long as maintanence man’s arm is long enough. It was, good. Room is now either freezing or hot but much better.

WARNING – Look out for tomorrow’s blog which contains penes. This is not a predictive text error but a real word. Google it now to avoid blushes!




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